My Indian Summer.

It has been a few months of ups and downs, highs and lows; but isn't that how life is suppose to go? My life is possibly a bit more chaotic then that of the average person. Maybe, I am just trusted more by the stars above. They must trust me not to give up. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8wNVk288R4

With many heavy winds trying to blow me down and deter me from my dream I rely on my strong navigational skills to remind me of the importance of trusting my intuition. Life seems to be trying to sway my views and make me see things differently then my usual routes. I look to my left and see an island, but get closer to shore and realize my thirst for the answer lead me to an illusion of the answer. I set back out to sea, not knowing which direction I am heading. I think I see many other islands, but I just don't know. The directions are all so unclear. I lost my compass months ago and am now relying on nothing but my intuition. Logic is eliminated and emotion has stepped in. Interestingly, my emotions have always frightened me as I tend to feel them so intensely. Now, I welcome them. They are my survival skill out of this sea.

If this chapter if my life were a season it would be a cold long winter. Each time I think I feel the warmth of spring the cold wind reminds me of the pain that is still left to endure. I've learned to love the winter. Not because it has become more comfortable being cold and feeling pain. Many people never feel the cold of winter. They enjoy the comfort of summer and spring and so they never venture into the winter. I think it's necessary we all experience the winter; the pain. How else do we expect to heal? To grow.

Perhaps people don't visit the winter because its uncomfortable and you don't know what to expect. I've always been a curious girl, and I jumped at the opportunity to explore the winter. I choose to go climb the snowy mountains and make snow angels, then scream as loud as possible to let it all go. I hope I feel the flood of an avalanche. Maybe, surviving an avalanche will help me realize which way is up. After I realize which way is up then I can start my trek back to the sun. Perhaps the sun will shine on my face like a warm spring day, or maybe it will burn my flesh like a hot summer day. Curiosity of the future excites me instead of frightens me. A new change that I have never experienced before entering the winter. Life is beginning to excite me all because I'm stuck in the winter.

All I know is that I'm a ship at sea in the middle of winter. In the distance I see my island, he's always been there waiting patiently for me to arrive. He believed in me when I didn't believe in my own internal compass. He loved me before I went into the depths of the snow and explored the parts I hid from him. He always loved me and as a real island he didn't move. Real islands can't move. They are lumps of rock that hold still. I love that about an island. No season can deteriorate them, except maybe rain. Even so, the island rock can endure so much that the snow of my winter hardly made a dent in the return from my trip. This ship has a direction, she sees the island in the distance and knows it will guide her home. The sun is warm on her face and once she arrives she can see the summer sun gleaming on the beautiful zenful island of the future. The snow will have melted from her soul and the warmth of the sun on the island will show her she never wants to leave. 

My Indian Summer.