The Unspoken Goodbye

It's been a while since I posted. I knew what I had wanted to post, but I didn't have the words to describe the feeling that I wanted to convey. The Indian summer ended up being just that, a longer than usual warmness in my heart. It left quicker than snow falling to the ground when the cold came into my life, which painfully left pieces scattered behind. It took me a bit to reestablish my footing after so much loss. The losses felt in 2013 were none which were expected. No one prepares you for how death will feel or change your life. It's one of those changes that are indescribable and so unique to each person and each situation. I know that at 9:30 on March 6, 2013 my world changed forever and whether the boy wants to admit it or own up to it-or not; the boy spoke the words that changed my world forever.

No matter how hard I try to shake this memory it will always be a part of me...missed calls at a later hour. Finally, when I called the boy back he spoke those earth shattering words... "I don't know how to tell you this *LONG PAUSE* your dad is dead."

I may never fully understand why you were the one who was to be in my life to tell me such words, or to stand beside me on what was possibly one of the most difficult days of my existence if you were to leave quicker than my breath on a cold morning. I don't understand and it was months of wondering on top of my already heavy heart what could possess someone to leave someone they love in moments needed the most. I know it's impossible to know what you would do in a situation, but in a role-reversal; I would never leave you.

I played over the words you spoke up until the last conversation many times to the point of exhaustion. To the point of insanity. I will never understand but I have stopped trying to understand.

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& NOW on dreams and goodbyes 

Considered the father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) revolutionizes the study of dreams with his work The Interpretation Of Dreams.Freud begins to analyze dreams in order to understand aspects of personality as they relate to pathology.  He believes that nothing you do occurs by chance; every action and thought is motivated by your unconscious at some level. In order to live in a civilized society, you have a tendency to hold back our urges and repress our impulses. However, these urges and impulses must be released in some way; they have a way of coming to the surface in disguised forms. 

One way these urges and impulses are released is through your dreams. Because the content of the unconscious may be extremely disturbing or harmful, Freud believes that the unconscious expresses itself in a symbolic language.

Alas, my dream of the unspoken words:

I was back in Thunder Bay for the end of summer. I was at a friends camp (however in dreams nothing makes logical sense and the camp actually belonged to my grandfather in my actual life). Strangely, only my NY friends were in Thunder Bay with me and my Thunder Bay friends were no where to be found. I recall the friend who owned the camp had all her friends out. One of them was my Indian Summer. I spent most of that evening with my speech friends and we lived in perfect ignorant harmony ignoring one another. 

He stayed longer than expected and when he was still there the following day I decided my words could not be held inside any longer. I needed to talk to him.

I asked him if I could please talk to him for a minute as he was surrounded with girls. He said no. I lingered knowing I needed to talk to him. I finally begged in front of perfect strangers to "please talk to me if you ever loved me." He agreed to give me one minute of his time.

I knew I only had a minute alone with him and so I summed up my confusion into a statement "How could you tell me I was the girl of your dreams, the girl you loved, your everything to ignore me the next day and never talk to me again." His response failed to answer the question, but place all blame of our failed relationship and my wrong doings on me. My response was similar to "at least I am and have been sorry for what happened-you have yet to apologize for what you did." At that moment many girls surrounded him and began talking for him and I knew the conversation had ended. They told me he would be taken care of by someone better than me and I wished them well.

I didn't leave immediately, I told him this "this isn't you and this wasn't the you I dated. I came to you to clear the air and to make amends because I have a good heart and I'm a good person. I hope when you finally realize what you have done my heart will be big enough to forgive you." With that they all laughed at me.

I began walking away but realized I had one more big thing that needed to be said. I walked up to him and whispered in his ear "by the way, I'm dating someone new and this was our goodbye."