Let's rewind and take a look at the past to understand the present. After that last post I had a huge life heartbreak. Clearly, based on my last post (which I have chosen to keep up-and all old posts will remain up to reflect the process) I looked like I had a handle on my life-hahahhahahahahhahahhahaha.
Life plans I had made fell through. I thought I was going to be able to escape 'dealing with' the past by continuing my adventures elsewhere. I thought in my heart that life really couldn't get much worse than 2013, but then 2014 andddd 2015 unfolded. YOU CANNOT RUN FROM GRIEF, but I surely did try.
"Oh Yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it you can either run from it or learn from it".-The Lion King, Walt Disney
Let's talk about the running bit. I ran into anything that would distract me from the pain. This includes men, drugs, 'love', alcohol, anti-depressants, and food. My heart broke and I stopped loving myself. Losing someone else is hard but losing yourself is by far the most heartbreaking experience one will ever experience. Before we get to the learning bit, I will acknowledge that I looked death in the eye and choose to keep living.
Let's talk about the 'learning' bit. Here's the thing, some really big and really heart breaking events occurred, but nearing the end of 2015 I decided life is how your react to it. I knew I had a lot of healing to do and if I didn't get a handle on the deep and dark grief I was enduring who knows how far down the rabbit hole I was going to go (and I was already in a labyrinth of darkness).
I started to pray. What or who was I praying to? At first, anything or anyone. I prayed life would start making sense in October 2015. By November 2015 I met my boyfriend and we both really challenged each other to think about our belief systems. Talk about listening! I asked and HE answered. The first year of our relationship was a bit rocky because of my resistance. I had left the church, God, and everything else holy so long ago that it felt hypocritical of me to ever consider returning. So I prayed. I prayed to whoever was listening to help us figure out a common ground. The first time I entered his church I thought I might burn to the ground from all the poor choices I had made (spoiler alert- I did not). I remember feeling very overwhelmed by my own energy but eventually this subsided. For a long time he would go to church without me because I thought the whole thing was weird. I knew that at some point we'd really have to figure out where we stood on the whole 'faith' business. Meanwhile, I kept praying to something.
I have always known that drugs/alcohol directly impact my mental health. Unless I am medicated by pills I can't have drinks like other people seem to be able to. January 1, 2016 I stopped taking my anti-depressant pills to really dive into myself, truly face myself, and if see if I was actually mentally ill. I had a few more fun nights with alcohol, but life threatening next days. On August 19, 2016 I took a pledge to myself to sobriety. This was when the real growth began. No bandaids for when you have a bad day, or someone hits a trigger; just you and life. My outlet now is God and I thank Him for helping me get here.
It's been over 4 months sober and I'm sure this is my life path. I've taken a solo trip to Europe (to Ireland! and remained sober). I have submitted to His plans. I don't live in fear and I'm not depressed. I feel happier and more creative then I have in many many years. Though I have a lot more work to do and I'm no where near having it figured out I can honestly say I am grateful for every heart break, experience and trauma I have endured. I am thankful for those who have stuck by me while I was having a hard time. I am truly and deeply sorry to anyone I hurt while hurting. But most of all, I am so so excited about being alive and helping other people heal their hearts.
God helps those who help themselves. Let your first step to simply be a prayer asking for help.
